Talking to someone you are concerned about
Express your care and concern
There is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way to talk to someone with an eating disorder. However, it is important to be prepared. The person may be experiencing high levels of anxiety, shame, embarrassment, guilt or denial, or may not recognise that anything is wrong. It is important to take this into consideration.
Any approach needs to be done in a caring manner in an environment which can support an open and calm conversation. Avoid broaching the topic if you are around food, or in situations in which either of you are angry, tired or emotional.
If you are approaching someone with an eating disorder you need to take into account their fear of disclosing their behaviours. Be prepared for the person to respond with anger or denial. This does not mean they do not have a problem. Let them know that you care about them and want to support them through every stage of their process.
Some helpful tips when talking to someone you suspect may have an eating disorder:
- Try to use ‘I’ statements e.g. ‘I care about you,’ ‘I’m worried about you.’
- Help them to feel it is safe to talk to you.
- Ask them how they feel.
- Give your loved one time to talk about their feelings.
- Listen respectfully to what your loved one has to say.
- Encourage them to seek help.
Some things to avoid:
- Avoid putting the focus on food. Try talking about how the person is feeling instead.
- Do not use blame e.g. ‘You are making me worried.’ Instead try, ‘I am worried about you.’
- Avoid taking on the role of a therapist. You do not need to have all the answers, rather it is most important to listen and create a space for them to talk.
- Steer clear of manipulative statements e.g. ‘Think about what you are doing to me...’ ‘If you loved me you would eat....’
Seek help early
A person with an eating disorder may show resistance to getting help. Sometimes they do not want to get well as they are ashamed of their eating and exercise behaviours and fear anyone knowing about them. You can help them by remaining supportive, positive and encouraging.
The importance of seeking help early cannot be overstated. There is strong evidence that, the earlier the intervention, the shorter the duration of the disorder, and the greater the likelihood of full recovery. This is true in all cases, but especially important in children and younger adolescents. In these cases, it may not be feasible or even advisable to wait for the consent of your young person before seeking help. If in doubt, it is better to act on your concerns and seek help straightaway.
While GPs may not be formally trained in detecting the presence of an eating disorder, they are a good ‘first base.’ In addition, there is a range of clinicians with specialised knowledge, including medical doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, nurses, dieticians, counsellors and occupational therapists who are specifically trained to help people with eating disorders.
It may take time to find the right treatment and the right therapist to meet the needs of you and your friend or loved one. Everyone responds differently to different types of treatment and no one treatment suits all. You can offer support by giving them the time they need to find and respond to the recovery program that best suits them. The best type of treatment is one that is long term and focussed on the needs of the person with the eating disorder and their family or circle of support, with recovery as the ultimate goal.
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